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 Post subject: Actually Funny
PostPosted: Tue Feb 20, 2018 4:25 pm 
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How about a session of dumb jokes that are actually funny.

Image

Image

Image

Image

www.youtube.com Video from : www.youtube.com


I can't tell jokes, but I found that my sense of humor helps in conversation.

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 Post subject: Re: Actually Funny
PostPosted: Tue Feb 20, 2018 6:23 pm 
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Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?

They each got six months.

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 Post subject: Re: Actually Funny
PostPosted: Tue Feb 20, 2018 8:51 pm 
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the only joke i ever remember.

horse walks into a bar, bartender says hey pal why the long face.

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Who are these...flag-sucking halfwits fleeced fooled by stupid little rich kids They speak for all that is cruel stupid
They are racists hate mongers I piss down the throats of these Nazis Im too old to worry whether they like it Fuck them.
HST.


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 Post subject: Re: Actually Funny
PostPosted: Tue Feb 20, 2018 9:12 pm 
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Thanks. Both of those were good.

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 Post subject: Re: Actually Funny
PostPosted: Wed Feb 21, 2018 5:00 pm 
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A frog parked illegally at the truck stop. He was toad.

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"my choice is for people like you to be deported -Ike Bana 5/13/18

"within weeks of being rid of the likes of you, rid of every fucking one of you,we would begin to see what kind of country this ought to be" Ike Bana 6/14/18


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 Post subject: Re: Actually Funny
PostPosted: Wed Feb 21, 2018 5:18 pm 
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After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the cathedral of
Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that
a new bellringer was needed. The bishop decided that he
would conduct the interviews personally and went up into
the belfry to begin the screening process. After
observing several applicants demonstrate their skills,
he decided to call it a day when a lone, armless man
approached him and announced that he was there to apply
for the bellringer's job. The bishop was incredulous.
"You have no arms!"
"No matter," said the man, "Observe!"

He then began striking the bells with his face, producing
a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened
in astonishment, convinced that he had finally found a
suitable replacement for Quasimodo. Suddenly, rushing
forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped, and
plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death
in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed to his side.
When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around
the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had
heard only moments before. As they silently parted to
let the bishop through, one of them asked,
"Bishop, who was this man?"

"I don't know his name," the bishop replied, sadly,
"but his face rings a bell."

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Malaclypse the Younger


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 Post subject: Re: Actually Funny
PostPosted: Wed Feb 21, 2018 6:39 pm 
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What has 12 teeth and smells like pot?

The front row of a Willie Nelson concert.

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 Post subject: Re: Actually Funny
PostPosted: Sun Mar 04, 2018 2:44 pm 
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Believe it or not. Did you hear about the motorcycle cop that ran over himself?

A motorcycle cop came home from work and asked his wife if she would go to the store and pick up some cigarettes. She said no, so he ran over himself.

I heard Danny Thomas tell that joke.

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 Post subject: Re: Actually Funny
PostPosted: Mon Mar 05, 2018 2:51 am 
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 Post subject: Re: Actually Funny
PostPosted: Mon Mar 05, 2018 4:49 am 
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Joined: Tue Jun 30, 2015 10:41 pm
Posts: 2383
Location: Oregon
An old shipmate sent these to me the other day, some are old but still funny.

Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble, but
shouldn't that be an even number?

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.

I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight, live longer than the men
who mention it.

Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but won't cross the street to vote.

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's your common sense leaving your body.

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw fish to them?

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.

I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been Googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

Money talks ...but all mine ever says is good-bye.

You're not fat, you're just... easier to see.

If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out?”

I can’t understand why women are okay that JC Penny has an older women’s clothing line named, “Sag Harbor.”

My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.

My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I’m worried about the 175 pounds I’ve gained since then.

Denny’s has a slogan, “If it’s your birthday, the meal is on us”. If you’re in Denny’s, and it’s your birthday, your life sucks!

The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I’m pretty sure she’s going to get me something.

On average, an American man will have sex two to three times a week. Whereas, a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year. This is very upsetting news to me. I had no idea I was Japanese.

The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.

I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.

Money can’t buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!

The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.

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 Post subject: Re: Actually Funny
PostPosted: Thu Mar 15, 2018 3:41 pm 
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Joined: Tue Jun 30, 2015 10:41 pm
Posts: 2383
Location: Oregon
Another "funny" from another old shipmate:


Attachments:
Only in Texas.jpg
Only in Texas.jpg [ 248.86 KiB | Viewed 469 times ]

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"There are but two parties now: Republicans . . . and Americans." -Keith Olbermann
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 Post subject: Re: Actually Funny
PostPosted: Thu Mar 15, 2018 6:30 pm 
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Joined: Mon Jun 06, 2011 10:27 pm
Posts: 7746
Location: miles from nowhere
After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the cathedral of
Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that
a new bellringer was needed. The bishop decided that he
would conduct the interviews personally and went up into
the belfry to begin the screening process. After
observing several applicants demonstrate their skills,
he decided to call it a day when a lone, armless man
approached him and announced that he was there to apply
for the bellringer's job. The bishop was incredulous.
"You have no arms!"
"No matter," said the man, "Observe!"

He then began striking the bells with his face, producing
a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened
in astonishment, convinced that he had finally found a
suitable replacement for Quasimodo. Suddenly, rushing
forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped, and
plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death
in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed to his side.
When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around
the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had
heard only moments before. As they silently parted to
let the bishop through, one of them asked,
"Bishop, who was this man?"

"I don't know his name," the bishop replied, sadly,
"but his face rings a bell."

A week later the bishop is greeted by another armless man who wants to apply for the bellringer position. The bishop says that unfortunately he had a man with the same physical problem try and that he ended up dead. The man says that the first man was his brother and that he needs to carry on the family tradition.

The bishop sighs and reluctantly walks up the belfry with the man. Just like his brother he starts ringing the bells of the carillon with his face producing beautiful music. Sadly he too slips and falls out of the belfry. The bishop is horrified and races to the street below where a crowd has gathered as before. Sadly, nothing can be done. The man is dead. A person in the crowd asks if the bishop knows who this man was.

The bishop replies “I don’t know but he is a dead ringer for the other guy.”

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bird's theorem-"we the people" are stupid.

"No one is so foolish as to choose war over peace. In peace sons bury their fathers, in war fathers bury their sons." - Herodotus


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 Post subject: Re: Actually Funny
PostPosted: Thu Mar 15, 2018 6:52 pm 
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Joined: Mon Jun 06, 2011 10:27 pm
Posts: 7746
Location: miles from nowhere
The past, the present and the future walked into a bar.

It was tense.

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bird's theorem-"we the people" are stupid.

"No one is so foolish as to choose war over peace. In peace sons bury their fathers, in war fathers bury their sons." - Herodotus


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